A mother and son returned home after shopping for groceries. Their neighbor was sitting on the porch with his head down, obviously mourning. The boy asked his mom, “What’s wrong with Mr. Johnson?” His mother explained that Mrs. Johnson had died. The boy asked if he could sit with the man. She gave him her permission. The boy went over to the neighbor while his mom took the groceries into the house. Later the mom went outside and watched her son. He had his head down, just like Mr. Johnson. Later Mr. Johnson stood up. The boy stood up and the two hugged. Mr. Johnson went into his house and the boy walked back home.
His mom asked, “What did you say to Mr. Johnson?"
“Nothing,” the boy responded. “I just cried with him.”
Job’s three friends were excellent counselors to Job. That is, until they opened their mouths! But they just had to fill the air with their magical words of comfort! (You don’t detect any sarcasm there, right?)
With good intentions we try to “help” our friends who are grieving. We fill the air with magical words that will “make the pain go away.” We believe that with the right wisdom and understanding that there will be no pain. The pain just disappears magically, like nothing ever happened.
The intentions are good. However, the assumption is faulty. The assumption is that the pain is something that “goes away” at some point. However, the source of the pain never stops being a reality. Someone who grieves the loss of a loved one never receives the loved one back. The loss is permanent, at least for this side of eternity. This is a real loss that will stick with us for the rest of our lives.
The grieving process is not about obtaining wisdom that makes the pain go away. The pain itself is not the result of a lack of wisdom. Otherwise, once a person becomes wise they will never experience pain ever again. We know this to be false. The pain results from a real loss. There is a void that is left in our lives that can’t be filled. The grieving process is not about the “pain going away.” The grieving process is about learning to live life with the void without it paralyzing us. We can love life even with the void.
Helping someone through the grieving process is not about imparting great wisdom that our friend somehow was not aware of. We say things like, “Well, he is in a better place!” This is a true statement that only invalidates our feelings of loss. We believe that we need to make the pain go away, so we make statements that will cause our friend to see things in a different light, as if to say, “Please don’t cry!” This only invalidates the tears. However, our God, who only gives us good gifts, gave us the ability to cry. He gave us tears. Shouldn’t those tears be seen as something good, not bad?
Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. Ecclesiastes 7:3-4
If you want to help your friend through the grieving process, don’t fill the air with words of great wisdom. Just sit down and cry with your friend. That makes all the difference in the world.